D day.

Im getting divorced Monday. If you feel the need to give me encouragement please dont. “You’re better off without him” “good ridance” “yay you will be free” these might make you feel better to say, and I’ll probably smile and agree with you, but I would be more encouraged by just not hearing any of it at all. I married a man that i thought would grow, that I thought needed my help, I knew he had some issues but I thought we could work on them together. I loved him so deeply and trusted him completely, I dont regret loving him. We had really great days, we held hands and cuddled, we moved cross country and bought and remodeled a house together, we called eachother stupid ridiculous perfect nicknames like needle and shnookums. We had crazy adventures and amazing memories. We made a family together. Yet there was always something off, always a darkness that lingered and a bitterness that distracted from the sweet perfect moments. Fights that hurt more and more each time and made me feel less like myself after.

My ex was a manipulator and an abuser, he lied and cheated through out our courtship and marriage. There are no excuses for what he did and said to me, and to every other woman he lied to and manipulated during this time. The thing is, no excuses are needed, I dont hate him for what he did, I even try to rationalize it sometimes. He’s got issues, hes sick, he needs help…….. and yet the real problem lies in the fact that he is not sorry, not in a meaningful way, hes sorry he got caught, hes sorry he ruined his life and family, hes sorry everyone knows his embarrassing secrets now. Im not qualified to diagnose him with personality disorders or mental health issues so I wont label him, but I truly wonder if he has the ability to sympathize or to actually be sorry for any person other than himself. Hes not sorry about what he did to my mind, hes not sorry that he shattered my heart hes not sorry that he hurt me beyond words…. when it comes to these things hes “sorry, but”.

“I’m sorry that I abused you, but you make it sound like it was all bad, remember how happy we were that day at the beach when I wrote our names in the sand”

“You make it sound like we dont have any good memories, like I was a horrible asshole the whole time and that’s just not true”

“I’m sorry I ruined your perfect little world. I guess I’m just an asshole again ”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not like you were the perfect wife either”

“I’m sorry but you cant just keep me in purgatory, not ever telling me if we have a chance anymore. I have to think about my own happiness”

“I’m sorry but you cant keep bringing that up, we were both so drunk and high theres no way of knowing how things actually went down, you cant know for sure I hit you”

“I’m sorry, I’ll do anything to make it up to you”- proceeds to do nothing for months and then become upset when called out on it.

“You dont understand how broken I am. I am in such a dark place, I’m going to end my life, tell the baby I loved her”- worded differently, about once a month.

“My therapist says I dont have anger problems, and that it’s wrong that you’re not in therapy with me and just left me by myself when I needed you most ”

“You broke our vows by walking away”

None of that is regret.

I’m afraid of this man, I’m afraid of the fact that he was able to hide his double life from me, im afraid because I allowed him to manipulate and abuse me. I’m afraid if how well he controlled me. I’m afraid because I remember seeing pure hatred in his eyes the night he drunkenly beat me, I remember him yelling “you stupid fucking bitch” and it tore at my soul. I’m afraid because I went to bail him out of jail the morning after, with my swollen eyes and bruised lips and face, with his bite mark on my shoulder, I let him hold me that day, we made love and my body hurt from the beating he gave me the night before, he kissed the bruises and apologized over and over. Im afraid because after that incident I let him convince me that I wasnt sure of what happened that night, that it wasnt his fault, that we didn’t need to see a couples therapist. He made me feel so stupid for flinching when he punched walls or yelled at me. He was so offended when I would bring up the violence. I know I’m judged harshly for not leaving sooner. I know I let things get worse, I know I wasnt perfect and I’m partially to blame. The conversations we have had since I found all the proof of his cheating are just as manipulative as they were when we were together, the difference is that they are in writing and he cant say “I didnt say that You’re twisting my words”. The difference is now I onow I’m not crazy or making up the abuse in my head.

I still cant shake the feeling that maybe theres hope, its just a feeling and logically and intellectually I know better. I know this feeling is partly caused by the years of manipulation and emotional abuse. Still the feeling is there. My heart just keeps asking me, what if he had been really sorry? What if he can change? Maybe he will be sorry and continue to be sorry for as long as it takes. If he had just made it possible for me to trust him, if only he has fought for me … its embarrassing to type this. I told him exactly what to do, I spelled it out to him, exactly how to win me back, and he still did nothing and probably denies that I ever gave him a chance. I wanted him to just be sorry, I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life than for him to just be sincerely sorry. He didnt fight, he wasnt sorry, he didn’t change and so were getting divorced Monday.

I made this post as a way to get this all off my chest but I censored it because, again, I’m afraid that he will read it and retaliate in some way. One day I’ll be healed, I’ll love again, I will no longer feel afraid.

Check out this TED Talk

I watched this TED Talk and thought you would find it interesting.

Rebecca Brachman: Could a drug prevent depression and PTSD?

https://go.ted.com/CyyL

Learn more about watching TED Talks on all of your favorite platforms: https://www.ted.com/about/programs-initiatives/ted-talks/ways-to-get-ted-talks

Sick with joy

I find it immensely perplexing that i can feel, that i can form thoughts and ideas and put them into words both auditory and literary. Think of yourself in the desert, it has been many days since you have seen the face of another human, and  just as long since your last drink of water. When you are on the very brink of death, feeling forsaken, you see an oasis in the distance, you run to it and drink, you drink until you are satisfied. The feeling you have, the gratitude, relief, the unfathomable happiness, that is what i feel about my own cognition. It is as though in some other life or universe, i was not able to form complete thoughts, i was not able to make myself known and heard, i was not a sentient being. Its a silly thing, i know, to feel as though at some point in time i was unable to feel but i can not shake the feeling. In some way i know that there is more, more to life than living and  more to death than dying, but i don’t know what or how to find it. I’m ridiculous, i know, these are probably the ramblings of a mad woman, and yet i cant stop searching. Suicide, lets just get the big bad S word out of the way. You and I both know and have known since we were young, that suicide is not a socially or morally acceptable way of dying. I have never truly known why. I understand why religious people find it unacceptable, seeing as god will punish them for this and many other offenses, but what about the non believers? Lets say I’m one of those people who don’t believe in god, never have, never will, so ethically and morally why would suicide be the wrong choice for me? I do not fear eternal damnation at he hands of a fallen angel and his followers and i do not look forward to bouncing from cloud to cloud at the feet of god. So why live as a human when we know there’s more? If I ever figure it out I’ll let you know.

To dream the dream I am dreaming.

Those of you who know me in the tangible world have probably listened to me rant about injustice and how powerless it makes me feel to witness it daily. As a part of the medical field I occasionally bear witness to what I believe to be the cruelest irony. The elderly are treated badly, usually in unknown nursing homes and behind closed doors. We might read an article here and see a news report there, and we think, sometimes out loud, that it is sickening. I am one of the people that are sickened by this injustice, more so because it is not just behind closed doors in my personal experience. I see it right in the open, I watch others justify the mistreatment of the sick and elderly because “maybe the caretaker had a rough day” or “well you just dont understand how frustrating dealing with dementia can be”. To those who think there is any way to justify cruelty because someone “might be having a bad day” I say take a look in the mirror, take it all in, you are the problem. There is no excuse, there is no good reason, there is no justification for making someone who needs you to care for them suffer. I listened to an elderly woman cry, sob with great emotion, while she told me “I’m sorry, I just feel so hurt” and while speaking of her caregiver “she doesnt care about me, I pay her and to take care of me but she doesnt CARE”. This woman, Joan, told me that her caretakers arrive late very often and since she is unable to walk, she urinates in her bed, she told me they get mad at her. Joan has demetia, she is easily confused and emotionally weak, that is not a reason to mistreat her, that is a reason to be patient and understanding. “No one cares about me anymore, no one cares, my family is gone they left me here by choice. No one wants me, no one really cares”, if you could have seen the tears streaming down her face maybe you would reconsider your excuses, or maybe like that caretaker, you would roll your eyes and say Joan is “dramatic” or that “she is a liar”. Youth might make some feel like they will be young forever, like they will never be in joans shoes, but whats to say you wont. I dont wish misery on anyone, not even those cold hearted enough to be cruel to the weak. I wish reflexion will reach them and they will look within and extract this darkness living within them. I hope one day, you who think im overreacting, will realize that we are all deserving of compassion and love and patience. I know for damn sure that I will not change the worlds action with a blog post, but I plan to change the world of every mistreated person I encounter, even if it means nothing to anyone but them and myself.

My endeavours with soap…

I have opened an etsy shop 🙂 stephndinostuff, go take a look!
Ive started making soaps, it’s been a fun endeavour so far! They smell simply amazing, and make your skin silky smooth! Apart from the flowery colorful ones I will be making coffee soap variations.The coffee soap can help with celulite and is a great way to exfoliate your skin!
#1. Coffee and sandalwood soap, smell great and exfoliate!
#2. Coffee and mint, wakes you up and makes you feel fresh!
Anyways, check it out and tell your friends!

Sunday mornings

A few years back I had a dream that to this day replays in my head, because it was such a disturbing and vivid dream. It goes like this-

I wake up in my bed, the air around me feels damp and hot, the atmosphere of a sauna… I look around, I am high up in the air. I can see through the rotting walls of the tree house, the decaying limbs of the enormous weeping willow. There is a tingling on my right cheek, I hesitate before putting my hand up to it and i feel the electic shock of fear. My hand touches raw flesh, my face feels like ground meat, I become frightened and jump out of the bed, I need to find a mirror. The tree house started off as one room, housing the bed i lay in snd myself, I could see all of it from where i sat in bed. Now on my feet it has become a huge maze, still made of rotting wood but impossibly ample. I wander the halls for a while before I notice the smell. It smells like a dead animal, it becomes over powering and I fall to my knees and vomit. I look up and to my right, out of my peripheral vision I can see a disformic black shadow. I avoid looking at it and try to wake myself from this dream. “It just a dream, im in bed, isela is next to me in bed, thats real life, this is a dream, im safe, im safe, im safe” I repeat this to myself and exert all my energy to try to move my pinky, if I could move in real life I know I can wake myself. As I concentrate  on my left hand, my pinky, the darkness comes closer, instead of moving toward me it is closing the space between us. The darkness is next ro me, I can close my eyes in the dream but i know it is close enough to touch, i realize the smell is coming from the darkness. I open my eyes,  I  need to see it. I have become much bigger, too big for the room, I am crouching down and i know i am still growing. The darkness is small enough to hold in one hand, I pick it up and look down at it. At first it is a new born bird,  naked, not s feather on its body. As I continue looking it looks like my sister,  it starts  bleeding and rapidly rotting. I cant stop looking at it, the smell is overpowering, the creature is overpowering, its small pink, fleshy body is riddled with spots of rot and they are spreading. I know the creature is isela, I panick, I need to help her. I try to whipe away the rot but as I touch the creature its skin burns and it begins to make a ghastly sound.  The sound is nauseating, it reaches in my soul and break me.  I start to cry and scream, i can feel on my own skin the pain the creature is feeling. The creature by this point is just a puddle of feathers and blood and bone. I look at it, we are the same size now, suddenly it turns back into the baby bird and I realize my nody is rotting, I am overcome with disgust….
I wake up, feeling short of breath…. my sister sleeping peacefully beside me, I cuddle up next to her and i am so thankful.

Memorials to remember….

To start my post, I would like to direct you to this great article-

http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/yearofsundays/2011/04/jehovahs-witness-memorial.html

You need to read the article before so that my post makes sense 🙂

First off, let me just say, WOW…. there are no words in my vocabulary to express the amount of respect Joel deserves….. This couple is amazing, he was extremely brave and she exuberantly understanding. I wish, I really do, that one day I can break the holds that the organization still has on me.

I am, by JW definition, a sinner. I have been a smoker, a drinker, I’ve tried an array of drugs, I had sex with multiple partners before marriage, and the list goes on….

I am, by JW definition, an apostate. I have hated the church, I have questioned the organization, I have publicly called them the religion a cult, I have WARNED others to stay away……

I have been disfellowshipped, which makes me, in the eyes of the JW organization, damaged goods. I have been betrayed by the people I loved most, thanks to “the truth”. I have been left behind by the friends I thought would always be there for me, all because we no longer share in our beliefs. I have been ridiculed and passed over and publicly shamed by the organization because of things that are not uncommon or criminal.

I am eternally ANGRY thanks to the JW organization.

All that being said, I will be attending Memorial tonight. I will be wearing my new dress, I might even take notes….. I will sit next to my worldly Husband. I will not do anything disrespectful, I will pass the wine and bread,  I keep my anger at bay. I might even enjoy it.

For those of you that don’t know, I was disfellowshipped ( along with my younger brother) for 10 months, from 2009-2010, I have since been re-established. In the time that I was disfellowshipped I held hope, for many reasons I would rather not explain. I returned to Jehovah and to all my friends, whom had ignored me for neatly a year, everyone acted very happy to have me back.

The story of how and why I distanced myself from the organization is too long to tell at the moment, but I’m sure its no different than that of any other ex witness…… The judgement, the betrayal, the public shaming all seem interchangeable.

I hope to someday break the hold that the organization still has on me mentally. I feel in my soul, that I cannot miss the memorial, not only for my Parents, but just because i cant bring myself to just say no.

The couple in the article are amazing. I hope that one day Andrew and I may have a relationship so strong that he can hold my hand while I burn the bridge and leave the Jehovah Witness Organization on the other side. Until then, Have a happy memorial everyone! Oh and Happy Easter!

 

 

 

 

Life and living

I have survived the first week in myrtle beach! Also my first two weeks of marriage! Yay me. OK, let me just give you a quick overview of my days. I am living with my husband, in a little two bedroom, single level condo, one short mile from the beach. I can smell the ocean air everywhere we go. When i look out at the ocean i feel complete, i know why life brought me here and why i had to wait to find the perfect person to share it with. I finally understand the defeats were all for the purpose of a greater triumph. Our condo is small but cozy, we have a screened patio in the back of the condo, where cupid (my bird) can make all the noise his little bird heart desires. Noise, cupid is surprisingly loud for such a small creature, I some days wonder how such noise can be emitted from such a small body. Cupid has been by my side for sixteen years, the entirety of his life he has loved only me, isn’t that neat? I find it incredible, when i look over and see this small feathered creature looking at me, with his dreamlike joy and all the love he can hold in his being, all for me. My days have been filled with chirping and singing and love from my feathered pet. My days have also been filled with smiles and laughter, provoked by my wonderful husband, Andrew Quinn. Although he is not as noisy as the bird, he fills my days with sweet words and happiness. I will be eternally grateful for these memories, when i grow weary and days are gloomy i can come back here, to the days i felt this way. When my mood is dark and unpleasant i can brighten it up with the dreamy characteristics of the last couple of weeks. I have been incredibly happy with life as it is. Even the sourness of missing my family and friends feels a bit sweet. I love that i have these people to miss, i am lucky to have wonderful memories everywhere i look. It is hard to be so far from my tiny soul mate, my person, but it is also alright, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say, and although i have at times disagreed with that saying, i agree now. I cant wait to share all my happiness with my cricket and my punkis and the rest of the people i love. I am happy right this second and i know i will only be happier when we reunite. So know that i am missing all of you with all my heart, but also know that my heart is full and overflowing with happiness.

That’s it for now! Text, call or email if you have questions about Myrtle beach or anything really!

Hard days make for rotten moods.

Warning, this post is bound to be dramatic and full of nonsense. Tread lightly.

Let me tell you about the greatest girl. When she laughs you cant help but smile because her happy is infectious. On my gloomiest days she can make the sun shine for me, I know she has this effect on others as well.  She is stressed so easily, the world takes away so much of her joy but on those occasions when she truly is happy you don’t want to miss it.  I wish she would laugh more because when she is happy, no matter how sad I might have been, she changes my days for the better. If I was offered a deal, one that involved less of my life for more of her happiness I would take it without hesitation. She is smart too, she doesn’t seem to think so but the way she sees the world, so accurately and in such a true light, is proof that she is a brilliant girl. She feels things in a way that is hard to grasp for many people, emotions run so deep and so sharply for her that often they cut and scar her heart. She has such a big heart, she is so loving. It would be easy for her to be calloused with all the lies and betrayal she endured in her short nineteen years but she gets up when she falls brushes herself off. She is so funny, whether it be because some sort of mishap has befallen her or because she has learned a bad joke at work, she is hilarious! She is charming and charismatic, her clients are drawn to her and they fight for her time! They pay her to listen and make them feel better because just being around her can turn a bad day into a great one. She is the best listener, I can tell that girl anything at all and I know she wont judge me or tell anyone my secrets. I can tell her my fears and she doesn’t think I’m crazy, I can tell her anything without worrying that she will do anything but understand me. She is just the right amount of crazy, I can count on her to  steal street signs with me, go on midnight ice cream runs, jump around at concerts, stay up all night laughing for no reason, go skinny dipping with me, streak, day drink, have inappropriate picnics, play blind, stay in bed with me all day, cry in my hair, hold me while I cry for no specific reason, and just about anything else I can think of! There is so much about her that is just perfect. She is a cricket and she is a bean, she is everything that is right with the world. She is everything that is right with me, every silly laugh and every weird poem that live ever loved live in her eyes. She is impressive and lovely and wonderful. All the love in the world lives in her rib cage, and it spills out in bursts of laughter, like rays of sunshine to light up my world.

I share all that with you so you can see how hard it is for me to leave, to live 1600 miles away from  her. She doesn’t know how hard it is going to be for me to not see her every day, to not cuddle up next to her with her hair wildly attacking my face, to chat while we do our makeup and fight for mirror space. It is going to kill me to not be able to show up at her job with lunch or be able to leave her surprises in her room whenever I feel like it. It is going to be so hard to sit on the beach wishing she could hear the waves and smell the salty air with me. I can act strong all I want, I know I’m not fooling anyone, its going to take every ounce of strength I have to get into that car today and drive off without her in the seat next to me. I married the love of my life on Saturday and we are leaving to start a new life together on the beach, I couldn’t be happier about that, but I will be leaving the other half of my soul in Colorado. Hopefully one day she will move to SC too, but I know it will be a while, and that while is what truly scares me. I know we will both make it, we will be ok. Its just extremely hard to leave the best little part of yourself.

Special 2

So, in my last post I talked about wanting people to reach their true potential, now I want to talk about the opposite. This one is for the people who know their worth but are made to feel unworthy by someone.

What if you know someone who refuses to make you feel special? What if you have a friend/family member/lover who makes you feel no more and no less ordinary? The obvious answer is “stay away from that person, they don’t deserve you”, but what if you cant, cant imagine your life without them. This is a rough topic, and there’s no easy way to speak of it, so please don’t take offense if any of this hits close to home.

Imagine you are with someone who doesn’t always make you feel special, you know that person means well but it doesn’t always show through their actions. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person, but you’re not sure they are going to stick around forever. They make you feel like you’re lucky they give you the time of day and like you shouldn’t ask for more because you don’t deserve it. You know they love you but you feel like they think they’re better than you.

Imagine you are in a friendship, you have outlined your wants and needs but your friend either doesn’t want to do the things that make you happy or they finds it too difficult. It might be difficult to stay away from this friend because they have been there for many years and they have been loyal but you cant go on feeling underappreciated. The things you want to do never seem to matter enough, your time is worth less than theirs. When you have an idea they make you feel childish and stupid.

Imagine every time you try to make your parents proud you fall short, always close but never quite making it. You get good grades but they say “that’s your only job” and its not impressive. You’re a good kid and you never get in trouble and they don’t seem to appreciate this. You try harder each day and never see your efforts rewarded.

If you are in a relationship, whether it be romantic, a friendship or you are a parent and you think maybe there’s a chance that you are making someone feel that way, the best advise I have is change it, right now. There’s no worse feeling than to question your worth. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you would do anything for someone who is unwilling to do enough.  Think back to a time when you felt mediocre or average, doesn’t feel very good right? So, don’t make anyone else go through that!

Don’t make your special person feel like they are just another person in your life.