D day.

Im getting divorced Monday. If you feel the need to give me encouragement please dont. “You’re better off without him” “good ridance” “yay you will be free” these might make you feel better to say, and I’ll probably smile and agree with you, but I would be more encouraged by just not hearing any of it at all. I married a man that i thought would grow, that I thought needed my help, I knew he had some issues but I thought we could work on them together. I loved him so deeply and trusted him completely, I dont regret loving him. We had really great days, we held hands and cuddled, we moved cross country and bought and remodeled a house together, we called eachother stupid ridiculous perfect nicknames like needle and shnookums. We had crazy adventures and amazing memories. We made a family together. Yet there was always something off, always a darkness that lingered and a bitterness that distracted from the sweet perfect moments. Fights that hurt more and more each time and made me feel less like myself after.

My ex was a manipulator and an abuser, he lied and cheated through out our courtship and marriage. There are no excuses for what he did and said to me, and to every other woman he lied to and manipulated during this time. The thing is, no excuses are needed, I dont hate him for what he did, I even try to rationalize it sometimes. He’s got issues, hes sick, he needs help…….. and yet the real problem lies in the fact that he is not sorry, not in a meaningful way, hes sorry he got caught, hes sorry he ruined his life and family, hes sorry everyone knows his embarrassing secrets now. Im not qualified to diagnose him with personality disorders or mental health issues so I wont label him, but I truly wonder if he has the ability to sympathize or to actually be sorry for any person other than himself. Hes not sorry about what he did to my mind, hes not sorry that he shattered my heart hes not sorry that he hurt me beyond words…. when it comes to these things hes “sorry, but”.

“I’m sorry that I abused you, but you make it sound like it was all bad, remember how happy we were that day at the beach when I wrote our names in the sand”

“You make it sound like we dont have any good memories, like I was a horrible asshole the whole time and that’s just not true”

“I’m sorry I ruined your perfect little world. I guess I’m just an asshole again ”

“I’m sorry, but it’s not like you were the perfect wife either”

“I’m sorry but you cant just keep me in purgatory, not ever telling me if we have a chance anymore. I have to think about my own happiness”

“I’m sorry but you cant keep bringing that up, we were both so drunk and high theres no way of knowing how things actually went down, you cant know for sure I hit you”

“I’m sorry, I’ll do anything to make it up to you”- proceeds to do nothing for months and then become upset when called out on it.

“You dont understand how broken I am. I am in such a dark place, I’m going to end my life, tell the baby I loved her”- worded differently, about once a month.

“My therapist says I dont have anger problems, and that it’s wrong that you’re not in therapy with me and just left me by myself when I needed you most ”

“You broke our vows by walking away”

None of that is regret.

I’m afraid of this man, I’m afraid of the fact that he was able to hide his double life from me, im afraid because I allowed him to manipulate and abuse me. I’m afraid if how well he controlled me. I’m afraid because I remember seeing pure hatred in his eyes the night he drunkenly beat me, I remember him yelling “you stupid fucking bitch” and it tore at my soul. I’m afraid because I went to bail him out of jail the morning after, with my swollen eyes and bruised lips and face, with his bite mark on my shoulder, I let him hold me that day, we made love and my body hurt from the beating he gave me the night before, he kissed the bruises and apologized over and over. Im afraid because after that incident I let him convince me that I wasnt sure of what happened that night, that it wasnt his fault, that we didn’t need to see a couples therapist. He made me feel so stupid for flinching when he punched walls or yelled at me. He was so offended when I would bring up the violence. I know I’m judged harshly for not leaving sooner. I know I let things get worse, I know I wasnt perfect and I’m partially to blame. The conversations we have had since I found all the proof of his cheating are just as manipulative as they were when we were together, the difference is that they are in writing and he cant say “I didnt say that You’re twisting my words”. The difference is now I onow I’m not crazy or making up the abuse in my head.

I still cant shake the feeling that maybe theres hope, its just a feeling and logically and intellectually I know better. I know this feeling is partly caused by the years of manipulation and emotional abuse. Still the feeling is there. My heart just keeps asking me, what if he had been really sorry? What if he can change? Maybe he will be sorry and continue to be sorry for as long as it takes. If he had just made it possible for me to trust him, if only he has fought for me … its embarrassing to type this. I told him exactly what to do, I spelled it out to him, exactly how to win me back, and he still did nothing and probably denies that I ever gave him a chance. I wanted him to just be sorry, I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life than for him to just be sincerely sorry. He didnt fight, he wasnt sorry, he didn’t change and so were getting divorced Monday.

I made this post as a way to get this all off my chest but I censored it because, again, I’m afraid that he will read it and retaliate in some way. One day I’ll be healed, I’ll love again, I will no longer feel afraid.