Love as often as you regret.

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Life is extraordinary. One day you sit down next to a stranger and the next thing you know that stranger is your whole world. We are never truly aware of the possibilities and the opportunities that rest at our feet, often until we have passed up something wonderful. Regret is a mystery just waiting to be unraveled, even when we make a decision that seems right at the moment we may later figure out the outcome was less than favorable.

I know a young man, he is very close to my heart, he is filled with regret often, lets call him Rob. Rob met “the one” when he was a teenager, we will call the lovely lady Lisa. Rob and Lisa were three years apart when they met but age played no part in the intense way they fell in love. They would speak for hour and never get tired of hearing each others voice. Rob and Lisa had a long distance relationship, and as many of us know, distance can take a toll on love. Small fights seemed larger than life to the young couple.Try as they may the relationship ended and they parted ways. Hurtful things were said and both hearts were broken. Through the heart break neither forgot how deeply they loved the other.

Years later Rob came to me for advise, he still loved Lisa with the same intensity as the first time he saw her lovely honey colored eyes. He said she had been married and was now pregnant and alone, he wanted to save her. He stated he knew he would regret not reaching out to her, he said she was his soul mate. I told Rob I was behind him no matter what he did, that I would support his decision. Rob and Lisa were reunited, Lisa had a lovely baby girl that Rob took in as his own. Everything seemed perfect in the new life they had started together, until regret stuck.

Rob had a gnawing regret over taking Lisa back, he said she was different, he wasn’t ready for such a big commitment, he had a million reasons why this was a mistake. They fought constantly and heatedly. They broke up again, this time it was harder on both of them. Lisa was alone again, she and the baby moved away. Rob thought he did the right thing even though he spent many night on the phone with me telling me he missed Lisa and the baby. Rob recovered, or at least he seemed to for a couple of years, he hardly ever spoke of Lisa.

I spoke to Rob today. Can you guess what he expressed? Nothing less than deep regret. He regrets the decisions he made in regards to Lisa. He knows she is his soul mate and that he will always love her even though it is far too late to get her back. Lisa has remarried and her baby is taken care of. Rob regrets the very first break up. In his own words “if there was a single thing I could change in my life, I  would  never leave her”. I haven’t spoken to Lisa in years but I know she feels the same way, I know they will both remain tied to each other no matter where life takes one or the other. In the end Rob will likely live out his life never able to fix his regrets.

The thing is, we cant change even a single event in our lives. Even though we try and try to live a life without regret we never truly accomplish it. I have never purposely made a decision to alter my life for the worse and yet I can pinpoint exactly what those decisions have been. Life is so short and unexplainably complex, so don’t dwell too long on your decisions, make the best choices you can, and just watch it all unfold. There’s no telling what we might regret.

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Urology is not my field.

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I had an interview this morning, it was awful. I had two interviews yesterday, they were both successful, I was praised and offered the job as usual. At todays interview I experienced something completely new to me, I was nervous!

Now a bit of background info, I love looking for a new job, simply because I love the interview process. There is something about answering questions about myself and getting to meet new people that I just cant pass up, never in my life has an interview made me nervous, until today. Now let me explain, I was more than a little nervous, I had a brain blank from the moment it started. The interviewer had eyes that I can only describe as haunting, he completely caught me off guard and it went down hill from there. My mouth was dry and I could not answer simple questions, when he asked to know a bit about me I rambled about my experience and said nothing personal. The real breaking point in my eyes was when the interviewer asked why I would want to work for his company, I said “I’m not sure, you seem nice and you have a nice facility, so….” . I somehow managed to interview as my high school self. Needless to say I am sure I will not be hearing from Urological Associates and I will definitely not be working for Dr. Coons, which is a shame since the practice has great reviews from patients. What I meant to say when asked why I wanted to work there is; “Working at Urological Associates would be a great opportunity to grow in a field of medicine that I have not yet explored, I am a hard worker and a fast learner and have a lot to offer your company. If you choose me as your new employee I will never give less than 100% of my energy and focus.” Too bad its too little too late!

Feeling Free, Free Feeling.

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I am feeling inspired, or I was this morning, my inspiration seems to come in spurs followed by woeful thoughts and melancholy. It is all the same though, at least I can feel today. I have been happier today than I have been in months, I missed people, and I really felt it. I am amazed by my own inability to feel my own feelings some days. Today my smiles have been shadows of true happiness. I want to take today to pose a question to anyone who reads this; how do you stay yourself?

Many people don’t know who they are, but many know exactly, those are the people I wonder about. Are they really always themselves or are they really good fakers?

I wish I could just look inside of my friends and family and know how they think. If human emotion was as easy as opening someone up we might all understand each other a bit better.

Anyways, if you have some insight as to how to “stay yourself” please share, text, email or comment 🙂

I still have a voice, I just dont know where I left it.

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Too many events have occurred lately for me to attempt to write them down and sort them, that being said my future posts may be confusing and out of order, read at your own risk >;}

I am currently in transition, I have quit my job and moved back home. I’m a well meaning, lost feeling, love sick mess of a girl lately. I miss myself more than I knew I could miss. I drive myself mad with worry that I will never find my way back to me. The problem with an internal struggle is; it is nearly impossible to ask for help, and receive the necessary amount. To think that a year ago I was ready to leave the US, ready to be the best me I could be, is simply dumbfounding these days. I knew myself so well last year, I had issues to work through, but I was working trough them. I don’t know what happened, where did I check out and leave my soul at the door? I know I sound like a pessimist, and believe me I am not, I am simply trying to figure too many things out all at once. I have figured one thing though, even if I have a hard time figuring myself out lately, I can write to myself. I know I sound crazy and I just might be, but its as if I am trapped inside my own head and my only real means of communicating with myself is in written form.

I honestly thought no one read my blog until this weekend, I was asked why I stopped writing and just like that I feel like even one reader is enough. I wish all the people that say they care about me agreed to read what I write. I wish that instead of saying “what’s wrong” and “you used to be different”, my friends and family just heard the things that are missing in my voice. I wish I could just explain that even though I’m the same girl, that flame in my belly has been growing dimmer and no one seems to have a means of feeding it. I’m tired of talking to strangers, I’m tired of hearing that I’m fine and that everyone feels this way some days.

I am becoming angry too. I’m angry that very few people notice that I’m not me anymore. Everyone still describes me the same way, as if nothing had changed. These feeling are surreal. Its as if someone took my most priced possession and replaced it with a cheap replica; my soul has been taken and it is locked somewhere far, while inside me resides an insulting reenactment of who I used to be.

That is enough for today.