Struggle

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I have this internal struggle that is very hard to explain. I cant stop caring for those I once loved. I have had my heart broken repeatedly, like most people in their mid twenties, so I know this struggle I feel cant be singular to me. After the fight and the breakup we move on, and don’t get me wrong I have moved on after every break up, but something has always stayed behind; something lingers no matter how much time passes. I am sometimes transported back to a time when joy was overwhelming and that makes me smile, and other times I feel the betrayal all over and cry. The part I struggle with is staying silent. For example, I know someone who reads this blog that is part of my past, I want that person to stay in the past because I love how the present is going, but when this person reaches out to me (every few months) it is nearly impossible to ignore. I struggle because it makes me feel heartless to ignore someone who was at one point the center of  my life, but on the other hand I no longer love or even think often about him. I want to hear about how others deal with these scenarios, email or text please!!

Solitude in action

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It seems harder and harder each day to find people that truly enjoy spending time with each other. With the internet and social media we seem to all be too busy in our imaginary social bubbles to really ever look outside for real life encounters. It seems to me that we didn’t even notice when a text replaced a call, or when a friend request replaced a genuine hello. No one seems bothered by the fact that technology has replaced intelligence in almost every aspect of our daily lives. What ever happened to “I saw her across the room and our eyes met”, now its “well she looked cute in her profile picture”, more people seem to meet on Facebook than those that meet at coffee sops or even parties.

Where does it end? I really hope there is a limit to how powerful social networking can become. I live with a voice in the back of my head constantly telling me it will get much worse and I am fearful of it becoming true. I fear for my future children, I fear they will be born into a society so fixated on their phones that they will never be noticed. I fear my children will not need to have social skills because they will have social media. I fear my children will not have to communicate because they can just Tweet about it, there will be no need for lessons because our society seems to just know it all.

I fear the day that no one needs to leave their home because everything has been diluted to such a degree that no one really needs to do anything. I see how everyday life is becoming easier and easier and it makes me sick. How far will it go? Even grocery shopping can be done online here in 2015, why stop there, maybe in 2030 we will have a food consumption app and a digestion app and everything else too. It may seem ridiculous to some for me to feel fear over the current events but I think it is ridiculous not to. We are slowly making our humanity less human, I hope we stop while we have a chance. Where do we draw the line, or even better, how do we draw the line?

I am ME

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Do you ever get that nagging feeling in the back of your head, like there’s something important you’re forgetting? No matter how hard you try, or how many sleepless nights you invest, you just cant shake the feeling. Now, imagine feeling that way for a year and having absolutely no idea what this forgotten thing or event may be, sucks right?

I went through the hardest year of my life from August 2014- Last night. Last night I figured it out, I know what happened. I spent this year being depressed and just feeling like I’m not myself anymore. Feeling like I forgot something, like somewhere along the line I forgot myself and how to be me. I felt like there was somewhere I was supposed to be and I just could not, for the life of me make it out the door.  It is a huge relief to have figured out what made me feel that way. Now I can move past it, I cant fix it, and I don’t want to, but I can move on. Today marks the first day of the rest of my life, as myself again.