To the point.

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I love to write, I write poems, I have been working on short stories and have ideas for a novel. It’s funny to realize I lost my passion for writing, when I never felt the familiar ache of something missing. Within the last couple of months I have written more than I did in almost a year! Yes, my writer’s block lasted almost a year! Only now that I look at my notebook, filled with all my new words do I feel nostalgic for the lost time. I am determined to not let a day go by without writing something, even if it’s no good or no one cares to read it.

Maybe I’ll start publishing my silly poems on here at some point. . In not quite ready yet.

Goodnight 💤💤💤 

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To live and refuse to learn

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I want to start by saying that having your heart broken sucks, I get that, but hey just because something might fail it doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve a fair chance! It’s four in the morning and my brain is wide awake with silly thoughts. You know, the silly thoughts that girls have. There’s usually a boy to blame for a girls insomnia, but its not jusst one boy tonight. Tonight my thoughts aren’t about the what if’s and the I hopes. Tonight I’m worried about the concept of not being able to” get over” someone. I’m not worried about it in myself, I learn lessons, I typically make it unnecessarily difficult, but I eventually learn. I’m kept awake by the thought of what to do if someone who’s mind you wish to occupy, has no vacancy. Iff the heart of the one you want cant want you back because it still wants someone who is gone. I’ve tried making this a topic of conversation in the past with friends but no one is ever truthful…. not once have I gotten “im not over my ex” even when the person is obviously still head over heels for that ex.
I have been thinking about a fight i had with an Ex boyfriend, he wasnt the ordinary stupid jerk i usually date either, he was the boy i still think of as my “soul mate” if there is such a thing. The fight was about letting go of the physical things that remind you of an old lover. This was back in 2010, i was waiting for him to get back from work, i was waiting at his house with his favorite drink, and im a curious girl so i decided to look through his stack of old notebooks. Neither he nor i had ever hidden things from eachother and we were always working on our communication, so i honestly was not snooping expecting to find anything bad. I came accross a notebook that contained letter and pictures from a girlfriend in highschool. I was a bit thrown off since we had spoken previosly about how weird it was to keep things from an ex. When he got home i calmly confronted him about it, he was angry and defensive. I became angry and accusing, i said stupid things i didnt mean like “i knew you never cared about me”, and “i knew you werent over your ex”, childish things. Our relationship didnt end on this fight. We spoke, he explained that he was over the girl, they had after all, been broken up for over two years, but that he felt they had such nice memories that he wanted to conserve them. I fully understood what he meant, but after our talk he got rid of the notebook and pictures. I told him how i felt about it : No one can take away your memories, nothing will make the good times unhappen or the happy moments any less happy, but if you keep constant reminders of the past you are not being fair to the future. I wasnt bothered by knowing he had loved someone else i was bothered by the physical item that symbolized how much he had loved someone else. I feel that by keeping those memories as physical things even after knowing they bothered me he would have ruined our chances of being happy together.
When i said goodbye to that boy for the last time i erased every reminder of him, to leave space for someone new, but i will never erase the memories. Some of the best days of my life this far were lived in his arms. The most genuine smiles i have smiled were under the watch of his eyes.
Life goes on, the one thing i take from every breakup and ever heartbreak is that it is in the past and that although everything might have been perfect at one point, it is worth putting to the side to let new things come and new adventures unfold.

Left Unspoken

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With so much love left outside in the rain, what am i to write about? I don’t want to write about the love that is mistreated, misunderstood or simply missed. I don’t want to write about the thoughts i am too ashamed to admit i have on the daily, or more accurately by the minute every hour. The thoughts that happy girls, i am extraordinarily happy, never admit to having. I am troubled in my realization that i have lost more at one time than i ever knew i had, but somehow when i count my blessing they surpass my loss all together. I am heartbroken every minute but not in the typical way. The warm seeping emotion that are commonly known as this heart break i endure, are not those of the typical suffering soul. I am the uncommonly optimistic bystander you would never know is filed with woe. I don’t want to write about the nights I’ve spent in cold unwelcoming arms or how although they were unwelcoming their touch felt sweet upon my skin. Or how through the tears i could smile, a genuine smile, knowing in my core i was defeated. I don’t want to remember the nights i couldn’t cry myself to sleep because the sun was too quick to rise, or how through puffy bloodshot eyes i would watch my day begin. Some days i don’t want to write at all because i know my writing always goes back to the moments of sheer agony and it haunts me that, agony and all, i am not saddened by the knowledge of where i have been. I don’t want to always think of the perfect moments wonderful people that i ruined, those who lent me their heart and i misplaced it. I don’t want to feel as though i have reached an end, i want every tomorrow to be a new beginning, despite the mistakes made yesterday. It fascinates me that these desires live inside me. I am moved to tears by my memories. I would not replace a single tear with a smile, i am in love with all my emotions equally. So if i am not to write about the bad i could never write about the good because in the end just being able to have experience the ugly truth makes for a beautiful scene in my mind to be cherished when beauty overwhelms me. 

 

Let’s All Sell Out

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This is perfect!

Seven Years Late

Sellout

I hate money.

The reality is, I hate not having money. Or, even more accurate, I hate needing money and not having it. I’ve never been as depressed in my life as when I’ve found myself with more bills than cash. Because that’s what it means to be poor: Knowing you can never afford to do all the things you want to do.

Which is why it bothers me so much when I hear people say that their favorite musician, artist, filmmaker—whatever—has “sold out.” To some people, a sellout is someone who abandons their roots in favor of a fat paycheck. But what it should really mean is, “Oh, good, that person I enjoy will be able to continue to live.”

It’s hard to make art when you’re dead. Unless you’re an extreme performance artist.

Most artists get into art to make art, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want…

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A rope of sand…

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I cant believe it has been a month since my last post! I definitely didn’t keep my promise to write every week! I do however have good reason to not have written, i have been very busy with life changes.

The biggest change that has occurred took place today, i am officially free from Peak Vista Community Health Centers! I devoted almost five years of my life to PVCHC, the “Federally qualified non profit organization” that i once thought of as my second home. I wont lie, i am a bit bitter and fighting the urge to bad mouth my previous employers. I fight this urge simply out of respect, not to the organization or even to the great coworkers i once had, i respect myself. I respect myself enough to not talk down about something i used to talk up. At one point in time, up until less than six months ago, i was proud to work for this company, i felt i made a difference in the lives of people who deserved the amount of effort i spent on them daily. Sadly at the end of my time at PVCHC all i felt was anger when i thought of work. I don’t want to feel bitterly anymore so i will tell you about all the things i loved and leave everything on a good note.

I first started at PVCHC at the Myron Stratton Location as a Medical Assistant, it was my second job (the first since my 18th birthday) and i absolutely fell in love with my work. At my very first interview on September 14th 2009 i was a nervous, uncontrollably eager (barely) 18 year old. On that day i met one of my favorite people to this day. Karen M. was the Clinical Team Manager at Myron at the time. She was a cheerful, intelligent, outspoken hippy woman who loved her career and took pride in her clinic. The interview went well, Karen called me a mere half hour later and offered me the job although she told me during the interview that it would be a couple of days before i would hear from her. I will never forget my first six months at Myron Stratton, i have never been happier. I worked with the refugee program for the state and met some of the sweetest people. The refugees were an inspiration, they had been treated like dirt and gone through hell yet most of them were sweet and wonderful to know. These people taught me what sincere gratitude looks like and how it feel on the receiving end. My eighteenth year was one of the happiest of my life, i had it all; a job i loved, coworkers i adored, patients i was proud to help and i shared that year with the best friend i ever had. If there is such a thing as a soul mate i found him that year and we shared our first(and later on last) kiss under a brightly lit bridge on the Myron Stratton Grounds. If there was ever a time i was perfectly happy in life it was the first year spent there, it was almost magical. At Myron Stratton i learned to what extent i love medicine and being a part of a medical team, I learned about myself and grew with the help of my great team. I learned to feel passionately about the way people were treated and i learned what kind of person i really am.

I left Myron to Explore other options in February 2011. Although i found that monetary growth was easy to gain i also realized the sense of community was not. I was gone for less than a year when i received a call from Karen, in her calm nurturing voice she simply said “Stephanie, your job is available and i would love to have you back”. I missed the clinic deeply so i took the job. I returned to Myron September 26th 2011 and was again happy as a part of my loving team, however Karen was moved to a different clinic and things went downhill fast. The reasons i returned to Myron seemed to be taken away very quickly, so In August of 2012 as the opportunity arose for Myself and CVB, the mid level provider i worked with, to move to a new clinic, we went without hesitation.

The clinic was not yet functional, we were to start it up. We accepted and took on the challenge, and what a challenge it proved to be. Falcon peak clinic is located inside an elementary school and sees only children, it is very convenient and extremely helpful to the children of the district. We would see all walk ins, children with any or no insurance and provide the very best care we could manage. By capable hands of our providers we took care of anything from a simple flu shot to stitches and much more. This is the clinic i left today, the clinic whose birth i witnessed. After having been there to see the first patient walk through our doors, i moved on today. I am a bit heartbroken, although the clinic was by no means mine, i felt that the biggest reason it succeeded was all the hard-work, love and dedication that was given to this simple task assigned to CVB and myself. I also found a great friend in my coworker, my team mate curtis (CVB). He is one of the best guys i know, he is a loving husband to his beautiful, caring amazing wife. He is a wonderful dad to his four boys, who are cuter than words can justify. Overall he is a great person, he is genuine, a quality that is extremely hard to find in this world. I will carry the memories made in those walls as long as i live. I can only hope that the friendships i have made will last as long as those memories.

Although i felt bitter at the start of this post because of the circumstances that drew me away from the organization, i have more to be thankful and happy for than that which makes me upset. I am forever thankful for the support shown to me all these years. I feel ready to take on something completely different.
With that in mind, i am pleased to say i have accepted a job as a teacher at Intellitec Medical Institute, this term i will be teaching Medical Spanish Terminology for the Medical Assisting program. I am also going to be working on my international TESOL Certification for the next month, i will be using this certificate in Costa Rica! I plan to volunteer at an elementary school to teach English as a second language.
I am Learning over and over that change is not bad, change is to be embraced, change is the only way to grow. I will keep changing until i am where i want to be in life.
Until next time wordpress friends! Take care