To be loved like I love

Standard

I have days when I am at a loss for words, when I have a trillion things to express but not a single sentence to speak. On days such as this I think to myself why I feel so. I weep silently in the dark and will myself to search for the light, to wipe away the tears and smile in case someone is watching. I know why I feel this way and it makes all the sense in the world and still none at all. I once felt special and now I do not, I once felt loved in a way deep and piercing and now I do not. I wasn’t a candle in the forest guiding a lost traveler through a lonely path, I was the sun in the sky illuminating the world for all those who were a part of me. I wasn’t content, I was happy. I wasn’t sweet, I was genuine. I didn’t love, I adored and demanded the same of others. I felt special even when I was alone, because I was sure I was always inhabiting someone’s thoughts, I know I was playfully roaming behind someone’s smile. I don’t know what happened. I am still loved, I know this. I am still all the same things I was, the problem is that I am a dulled out version of all of it. I am living out version of my own happiness that has grown calloused over. He tells me I am different than any girl he has ever met, he says I am better. He says I haven’t changed, that others have, he loves me. When I have been wronged he assures me I am right. When I need a chest to cry on his is always there, just waiting, if all the tears from broken heart past were to suddenly reappear he might fear of drowning. He still tells me I am special. He (my brother) is lying, not to me and not on purpose, he doesn’t realize he is lying but he is. He can see it too, he can see that I shine less brightly even at my brightest now, he can tell that I am hardly the thought before the smiles of those I love now. He knows as well as I do that I am, for lack of a better way of saying it, incomplete. I am a the book you picked up off the shelf one day, what a lovely cover it had, crisp and blue and electric. It had such an enticing title, caught your eye and held it. So you read and were captivated, page after page you could not seem to put it down and this went on for so long that you hardly realized that your reading had slowed, that you were reading a page a day instead of a chapter. You stopped putting the book in a safe place to keep it out of harms way and just lay it where it landed each night. You didn’t even notice that the cover began to tatter, that the pages were frayed and soggy, almost as if the book had always been that way. Then one day you misplaced it and forgot why you ever even picked it up. Once in a while you come by it and think to yourself “oh hey! here’s my book I really have to finish reading it” but you don’t, and life goes on. It goes on with or without me. I have known for a long time that the people I love, who love me back, never seem to quite do so as I do. I am constantly doing “too much”, I am constantly “asking too much”. I set “too high a standard” for people. “Not everyone is as thoughtful as you babe” that sentence alone could kill me some days. Everything seems like a complaint, every time i ask for more it seems as though I do the little things I do just to get something in return, and in a way I guess I do. I expect that every person who loves another will have them in mind at all times. That if I write pretty letters I will get pretty letters back. I always believed that you reap what you sow, but the last few years have shown me that just because I send love and good intentions not everyone else will too. I’ve learned that you simply cant change people, they maybe sweet or they may not, maybe they are romantic and maybe they are not. I can either accept it or walk away it is unfair to ask something from someone that they simply do not have . After all is said and done nothing has changed, no one has changed. My feelings make so much sense and none at all. I will keep wanting and wishing and waiting, all in the hopes that one day I can feel complete, I can have a new cover and I will be worth the read.

Advertisements

A rope of sand…

Standard

I cant believe it has been a month since my last post! I definitely didn’t keep my promise to write every week! I do however have good reason to not have written, i have been very busy with life changes.

The biggest change that has occurred took place today, i am officially free from Peak Vista Community Health Centers! I devoted almost five years of my life to PVCHC, the “Federally qualified non profit organization” that i once thought of as my second home. I wont lie, i am a bit bitter and fighting the urge to bad mouth my previous employers. I fight this urge simply out of respect, not to the organization or even to the great coworkers i once had, i respect myself. I respect myself enough to not talk down about something i used to talk up. At one point in time, up until less than six months ago, i was proud to work for this company, i felt i made a difference in the lives of people who deserved the amount of effort i spent on them daily. Sadly at the end of my time at PVCHC all i felt was anger when i thought of work. I don’t want to feel bitterly anymore so i will tell you about all the things i loved and leave everything on a good note.

I first started at PVCHC at the Myron Stratton Location as a Medical Assistant, it was my second job (the first since my 18th birthday) and i absolutely fell in love with my work. At my very first interview on September 14th 2009 i was a nervous, uncontrollably eager (barely) 18 year old. On that day i met one of my favorite people to this day. Karen M. was the Clinical Team Manager at Myron at the time. She was a cheerful, intelligent, outspoken hippy woman who loved her career and took pride in her clinic. The interview went well, Karen called me a mere half hour later and offered me the job although she told me during the interview that it would be a couple of days before i would hear from her. I will never forget my first six months at Myron Stratton, i have never been happier. I worked with the refugee program for the state and met some of the sweetest people. The refugees were an inspiration, they had been treated like dirt and gone through hell yet most of them were sweet and wonderful to know. These people taught me what sincere gratitude looks like and how it feel on the receiving end. My eighteenth year was one of the happiest of my life, i had it all; a job i loved, coworkers i adored, patients i was proud to help and i shared that year with the best friend i ever had. If there is such a thing as a soul mate i found him that year and we shared our first(and later on last) kiss under a brightly lit bridge on the Myron Stratton Grounds. If there was ever a time i was perfectly happy in life it was the first year spent there, it was almost magical. At Myron Stratton i learned to what extent i love medicine and being a part of a medical team, I learned about myself and grew with the help of my great team. I learned to feel passionately about the way people were treated and i learned what kind of person i really am.

I left Myron to Explore other options in February 2011. Although i found that monetary growth was easy to gain i also realized the sense of community was not. I was gone for less than a year when i received a call from Karen, in her calm nurturing voice she simply said “Stephanie, your job is available and i would love to have you back”. I missed the clinic deeply so i took the job. I returned to Myron September 26th 2011 and was again happy as a part of my loving team, however Karen was moved to a different clinic and things went downhill fast. The reasons i returned to Myron seemed to be taken away very quickly, so In August of 2012 as the opportunity arose for Myself and CVB, the mid level provider i worked with, to move to a new clinic, we went without hesitation.

The clinic was not yet functional, we were to start it up. We accepted and took on the challenge, and what a challenge it proved to be. Falcon peak clinic is located inside an elementary school and sees only children, it is very convenient and extremely helpful to the children of the district. We would see all walk ins, children with any or no insurance and provide the very best care we could manage. By capable hands of our providers we took care of anything from a simple flu shot to stitches and much more. This is the clinic i left today, the clinic whose birth i witnessed. After having been there to see the first patient walk through our doors, i moved on today. I am a bit heartbroken, although the clinic was by no means mine, i felt that the biggest reason it succeeded was all the hard-work, love and dedication that was given to this simple task assigned to CVB and myself. I also found a great friend in my coworker, my team mate curtis (CVB). He is one of the best guys i know, he is a loving husband to his beautiful, caring amazing wife. He is a wonderful dad to his four boys, who are cuter than words can justify. Overall he is a great person, he is genuine, a quality that is extremely hard to find in this world. I will carry the memories made in those walls as long as i live. I can only hope that the friendships i have made will last as long as those memories.

Although i felt bitter at the start of this post because of the circumstances that drew me away from the organization, i have more to be thankful and happy for than that which makes me upset. I am forever thankful for the support shown to me all these years. I feel ready to take on something completely different.
With that in mind, i am pleased to say i have accepted a job as a teacher at Intellitec Medical Institute, this term i will be teaching Medical Spanish Terminology for the Medical Assisting program. I am also going to be working on my international TESOL Certification for the next month, i will be using this certificate in Costa Rica! I plan to volunteer at an elementary school to teach English as a second language.
I am Learning over and over that change is not bad, change is to be embraced, change is the only way to grow. I will keep changing until i am where i want to be in life.
Until next time wordpress friends! Take care

The naive girls guide to melancholy…

Standard

So I have decided I want to start a topic, maybe a way to simply state that when it comes to naivety, no matter how naïve we feel now it is always an improvement. Although being naïve is not typically viewed as a shining achievement of a personality trait, there are times when you yearn to feel as simple as you were in younger days…… so to start the topic off right = I miss the days when I tried too hard, not to say that I no longer try but I will never have the same fervor as I did at 18. I miss being the girl who left silly “thank you” notes on strangers cars. I miss being the girl who loved her career choices and the people she worked with. I miss the girl who cried when she said goodbye to someone she knew she would genuinely miss. The girl who not only went the extra mile but ran all the way there with a smile. I miss the way I used to miss people. I know that the things that made me feel naïve and silly are part of my personality so they will never truly be lost, but it is hard knowing that these things can be overshadowed and devoid of a spotlight.

I know how vague this post was but I am low on time lately, this is another thing I miss, time.

IM NOT RUNNING

Standard

I am a US. citizen, my mom and dad are Mexican born, mom is a US. citizen and dad is a permanent resident. This country seems to be the dream, this life is the dream, people from all over chase and fight and flee to become “American”. This is not my dream, this is not the life I wish to lead, I despise so many things that America stands for. I’m not saying I despise the country of my birth.  It just seems that everyone here is run by money or power or potential personal gain. You are what you own. Your possessions define your happiness and money rates a higher importance than love. Success is the car you drive and the house you own. One of the primary reasons I have for moving out of the country is simply this, the lack of selfless love, the fact that no one cares for each other, the demise of an ethical culture and the extreme materialism. As you know I have decided to give Costa Rica a try, now I am not assuming that everything will be perfect in CR, all I hope for is that it is different. I am chasing a dream of my own. I dream of a lovely place with lovelier people, who will not judge me by the brand of my t-shirt. I chase to find genuine smiles and simplicity and a helping hand to hold if ever I teeter or fall. I want to fight for the underappreciated, and to be appreciated. I am fleeing this material life in hopes of finding one that will make my soul rich, regardless of my monetary worth. I don’t know if you can identify with this feeling but I’ve felt it since I have been old enough to realize what goes on in the world around me. There are many people I love and wish I could bring with me but I know they don’t share the same desires. There is nothing wrong with having goals or desires that contradict my own, I wouldn’t judge a person who has goals to become rich and famous, everyone has to do what makes them happy. I just want to freely follow my heart and never be afraid that I will regret staying where I was unhappy at the end of my life. Costa Rican is where it starts for me, I am in no way decide  that it is where I will lay down roots but it is very possible, I’m honestly not afraid that it wont work out. I may not know where I want to be quite yet but in know its not in the US. so this is the starting line and I am ready for the race! A race to be enjoyed and fulfilled at my own pace.

Getting Started

Standard

Hi everyone, i’m steph 🙂 This is my first ever blog post! I’m excited! I have made the hopefully positive, life changing decision to move to Costa Rica. I bough plane tickets for my sister and myself last week. We are leaving Colorado On September 17th and have return flights (we may or may not keep) for December 11th. Thank you so much for joining m adventure, I promise to always be interesting and informative. Buh bye for now 🙂