Hard days make for rotten moods.

Standard

Warning, this post is bound to be dramatic and full of nonsense. Tread lightly.

Let me tell you about the greatest girl. When she laughs you cant help but smile because her happy is infectious. On my gloomiest days she can make the sun shine for me, I know she has this effect on others as well.  She is stressed so easily, the world takes away so much of her joy but on those occasions when she truly is happy you don’t want to miss it.  I wish she would laugh more because when she is happy, no matter how sad I might have been, she changes my days for the better. If I was offered a deal, one that involved less of my life for more of her happiness I would take it without hesitation. She is smart too, she doesn’t seem to think so but the way she sees the world, so accurately and in such a true light, is proof that she is a brilliant girl. She feels things in a way that is hard to grasp for many people, emotions run so deep and so sharply for her that often they cut and scar her heart. She has such a big heart, she is so loving. It would be easy for her to be calloused with all the lies and betrayal she endured in her short nineteen years but she gets up when she falls brushes herself off. She is so funny, whether it be because some sort of mishap has befallen her or because she has learned a bad joke at work, she is hilarious! She is charming and charismatic, her clients are drawn to her and they y for her time! They pay her to listen and make them feel better because just being around her can turn a bad day into a great one. She is the best listener, I can ell that girl anything at all and I know she wont judge me or tell anyone my secrets. I can tell her my fears and she doesn’t think I’m crazy, I can tell her anything at all without worrying that she will do anything but understand me. She is just the right amount of crazy, I can count on her to  steal street signs with me, go on midnight ice cream runs, jump around at concerts, stay up all night laughing for no reason, go skinny dipping with me, streak, day drink, have inappropriate picnics, play blind, stay in bed with me all day, cry in my hair, hold me while I cry for no specific reason, and just about anything else I can think of! There is so much about her that is just perfect. She is a cricket and she is a bean, she is everything that is right with the world. She is everything that is right with me, every silly laugh and every weird poem that live ever loved live in her eyes. She is impressive and lovely and wonderful. All the love in the world lives in her rib cage, and it spills out in bursts of laughter, like rays of sunshine to light up my world.

I share all that with you so you can see how hard it is for me to leave, to live 1600 miles away from  her. She doesn’t know how hard it is going to be for me to not see her every day, to not cuddle up next to her with her hair wildly attacking my face, to chat while we do our makeup and fight for mirror space. It is going to kill me to not be able to show up at her job with lunch or be able to leave her surprises in her room whenever I feel like it. It is going to be so hard to sit on the beach wishing she could hear the waves and smell the salty air with me. I can act strong all I want, I know I’m not fooling anyone, its going to take every ounce of strength I have to get into that car today and drive off without her in the seat next to me. I married the love of my life on Saturday and we are leaving to start a new life together on the beach, I couldn’t be happier about that, but I will be leaving the other half of my soul in Colorado. Hopefully one day she will move to SC too, but I know it will be a while, and that while is what truly scares me. I know we will both make it, we will be ok. Its just extremely hard to leave the best little part of yourself.

Advertisements

Special 2

Standard

So, in my last post I talked about wanting people to reach their true potential, now I want to talk about the opposite. This one is for the people who know their worth but are made to feel unworthy by someone.

What if you know someone who refuses to make you feel special? What if you have a friend/family member/lover who makes you feel no more and no less ordinary? The obvious answer is “stay away from that person, they don’t deserve you”, but what if you cant, cant imagine your life without them. This is a rough topic, and there’s no easy way to speak of it, so please don’t take offense if any of this hits close to home.

Imagine you are with someone who doesn’t always make you feel special, you know that person means well but it doesn’t always show through their actions. You want to spend the rest of your life with this person, but you’re not sure they are going to stick around forever. They make you feel like you’re lucky they give you the time of day and like you shouldn’t ask for more because you don’t deserve it. You know they love you but you feel like they think they’re better than you.

Imagine you are in a friendship, you have outlined your wants and needs but your friend either doesn’t want to do the things that make you happy or they finds it too difficult. It might be difficult to stay away from this friend because they have been there for many years and they have been loyal but you cant go on feeling underappreciated. The things you want to do never seem to matter enough, your time is worth less than theirs. When you have an idea they make you feel childish and stupid.

Imagine every time you try to make your parents proud you fall short, always close but never quite making it. You get good grades but they say “that’s your only job” and its not impressive. You’re a good kid and you never get in trouble and they don’t seem to appreciate this. You try harder each day and never see your efforts rewarded.

If you are in a relationship, whether it be romantic, a friendship or you are a parent and you think maybe there’s a chance that you are making someone feel that way, the best advise I have is change it, right now. There’s no worse feeling than to question your worth. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you would do anything for someone who is unwilling to do enough.  Think back to a time when you felt mediocre or average, doesn’t feel very good right? So, don’t make anyone else go through that!

Don’t make your special person feel like they are just another person in your life.

Special

Standard

More often than not, I find myself wanting to say the things I know people don’t always want to hear. I don’t care if it sounds like a cliché, and I don’t care if you believe it or not. There are people I feel like physically shaking some sense into. I want to tell you, you’re better than you think, because you treat yourself like you’re not worth much. I want you to know you have potential and you’re drinking away your best years. I want to tell you to stop pretending you’re not creative and special. Stop dumbing yourself down just to feel accepted, because guess what? you’re better than the people whose acceptance you crave! So stop running away from reality, you don’t need drugs to get high, and you don’t need anyone else to be happy.

Struggle

Standard

I have this internal struggle that is very hard to explain. I cant stop caring for those I once loved. I have had my heart broken repeatedly, like most people in their mid twenties, so I know this struggle I feel cant be singular to me. After the fight and the breakup we move on, and don’t get me wrong I have moved on after every break up, but something has always stayed behind; something lingers no matter how much time passes. I am sometimes transported back to a time when joy was overwhelming and that makes me smile, and other times I feel the betrayal all over and cry. The part I struggle with is staying silent. For example, I know someone who reads this blog that is part of my past, I want that person to stay in the past because I love how the present is going, but when this person reaches out to me (every few months) it is nearly impossible to ignore. I struggle because it makes me feel heartless to ignore someone who was at one point the center of  my life, but on the other hand I no longer love or even think often about him. I want to hear about how others deal with these scenarios, email or text please!!

Solitude in action

Standard

It seems harder and harder each day to find people that truly enjoy spending time with each other. With the internet and social media we seem to all be too busy in our imaginary social bubbles to really ever look outside for real life encounters. It seems to me that we didn’t even notice when a text replaced a call, or when a friend request replaced a genuine hello. No one seems bothered by the fact that technology has replaced intelligence in almost every aspect of our daily lives. What ever happened to “I saw her across the room and our eyes met”, now its “well she looked cute in her profile picture”, more people seem to meet on Facebook than those that meet at coffee sops or even parties.

Where does it end? I really hope there is a limit to how powerful social networking can become. I live with a voice in the back of my head constantly telling me it will get much worse and I am fearful of it becoming true. I fear for my future children, I fear they will be born into a society so fixated on their phones that they will never be noticed. I fear my children will not need to have social skills because they will have social media. I fear my children will not have to communicate because they can just Tweet about it, there will be no need for lessons because our society seems to just know it all.

I fear the day that no one needs to leave their home because everything has been diluted to such a degree that no one really needs to do anything. I see how everyday life is becoming easier and easier and it makes me sick. How far will it go? Even grocery shopping can be done online here in 2015, why stop there, maybe in 2030 we will have a food consumption app and a digestion app and everything else too. It may seem ridiculous to some for me to feel fear over the current events but I think it is ridiculous not to. We are slowly making our humanity less human, I hope we stop while we have a chance. Where do we draw the line, or even better, how do we draw the line?

I am ME

Standard

Do you ever get that nagging feeling in the back of your head, like there’s something important you’re forgetting? No matter how hard you try, or how many sleepless nights you invest, you just cant shake the feeling. Now, imagine feeling that way for a year and having absolutely no idea what this forgotten thing or event may be, sucks right?

I went through the hardest year of my life from August 2014- Last night. Last night I figured it out, I know what happened. I spent this year being depressed and just feeling like I’m not myself anymore. Feeling like I forgot something, like somewhere along the line I forgot myself and how to be me. I felt like there was somewhere I was supposed to be and I just could not, for the life of me make it out the door.  It is a huge relief to have figured out what made me feel that way. Now I can move past it, I cant fix it, and I don’t want to, but I can move on. Today marks the first day of the rest of my life, as myself again.

Love as often as you regret.

Standard

Life is extraordinary. One day you sit down next to a stranger and the next thing you know that stranger is your whole world. We are never truly aware of the possibilities and the opportunities that rest at our feet, often until we have passed up something wonderful. Regret is a mystery just waiting to be unraveled, even when we make a decision that seems right at the moment we may later figure out the outcome was less than favorable.

I know a young man, he is very close to my heart, he is filled with regret often, lets call him Rob. Rob met “the one” when he was a teenager, we will call the lovely lady Lisa. Rob and Lisa were three years apart when they met but age played no part in the intense way they fell in love. They would speak for hour and never get tired of hearing each others voice. Rob and Lisa had a long distance relationship, and as many of us know, distance can take a toll on love. Small fights seemed larger than life to the young couple.Try as they may the relationship ended and they parted ways. Hurtful things were said and both hearts were broken. Through the heart break neither forgot how deeply they loved the other.

Years later Rob came to me for advise, he still loved Lisa with the same intensity as the first time he saw her lovely honey colored eyes. He said she had been married and was now pregnant and alone, he wanted to save her. He stated he knew he would regret not reaching out to her, he said she was his soul mate. I told Rob I was behind him no matter what he did, that I would support his decision. Rob and Lisa were reunited, Lisa had a lovely baby girl that Rob took in as his own. Everything seemed perfect in the new life they had started together, until regret stuck.

Rob had a gnawing regret over taking Lisa back, he said she was different, he wasn’t ready for such a big commitment, he had a million reasons why this was a mistake. They fought constantly and heatedly. They broke up again, this time it was harder on both of them. Lisa was alone again, she and the baby moved away. Rob thought he did the right thing even though he spent many night on the phone with me telling me he missed Lisa and the baby. Rob recovered, or at least he seemed to for a couple of years, he hardly ever spoke of Lisa.

I spoke to Rob today. Can you guess what he expressed? Nothing less than deep regret. He regrets the decisions he made in regards to Lisa. He knows she is his soul mate and that he will always love her even though it is far too late to get her back. Lisa has remarried and her baby is taken care of. Rob regrets the very first break up. In his own words “if there was a single thing I could change in my life, I  would  never leave her”. I haven’t spoken to Lisa in years but I know she feels the same way, I know they will both remain tied to each other no matter where life takes one or the other. In the end Rob will likely live out his life never able to fix his regrets.

The thing is, we cant change even a single event in our lives. Even though we try and try to live a life without regret we never truly accomplish it. I have never purposely made a decision to alter my life for the worse and yet I can pinpoint exactly what those decisions have been. Life is so short and unexplainably complex, so don’t dwell too long on your decisions, make the best choices you can, and just watch it all unfold. There’s no telling what we might regret.